Looking back on my senior year of high school, I know exactly who I would choose to be my first boyfriend. Instead of the scrawny Korean boy I amazed with my blunt honesty, I would have preferred to share my first kiss with someone else, I think. Not that the relationship was terrible nor useless, but I would have gained more and felt more with somebody else. And I’ve finally decided who.
This one was as honest as one can get. Maybe it was naivete, but is that so bad? He was sweet without thinking about it, because it was in his nature to care for those who helped him. He accepted me and gladly took what I offered. He always said what was on his mind, even if he wasn’t sure what it meant. It may have seemed feminine to others, but he analyzed his own thoughts until they were clarified. He was the most enthusiastic person I had ever met, and it was contagious. Now that I look back, I feel like I was blind to not have seen the entire possibility. I feel sad to remember that the night before I left the country, we had made a connection. I remember almost telling him that I wished we had more time to talk, but I didn’t say anything because it was too late anyway.
I read in an article today that when we sleep, our brain takes away the things that it decides are useless. These include dull activities that aren’t mentally or emotionally stimulating. The mind deletes the things that cannot help make one’s future decisions. It doesn’t necessarily keep things real, but rather molds them into what seems the most practical.
What I’m trying to say is that it’s possible and likely that my memories are biased and actually, this guy was an idiot who didn’t know the difference between right and wrong. He may have been an annoying klutz that never said anything appropriate. But what I now retain in my memory, and what has now been transcribed to this blog, is the new truth as defined by my brain, four years in the making.