so tired
Archive for October 31st, 2009Is this what college is supposed to be? Something that tears you apart just as a test to see if you’re capable of putting yourself back together? In the last few weeks, I’ve gotten so so stressed out that it takes me more than an hour to fall asleep each night. I was recovering from a cold yesterday but now I’m worse. I sleep sporadically multiple times a day to avoid having to think about… anything. And while I wait for sleep to claim me, formulas and problems and questionable solutions run endlessly through my mind. I’m perpetually tired. It takes me about an hour to warm up to a social event, any less than that and I weigh the options of leaving/staying. Way too often, I apologize for things that I do not believe are my fault. I lie.
I want to complain about how nothing is working out for me. Yes, I have food and residence and intelligence, but I take those for granted. What I yearn for is happiness and contentedness, but right now I just don’t see it. I feel lonely and stupid. Both are irrational. Both consume me.
I’m having trouble remembering how to be happy. This is ridiculous because when I think about the best times in my life, I can see myself surrounded by people who love me, who I love. I see a moving image of myself laughing openly, confident. It used to be so easy to have fun - I was especially good at it.
At a (yearbook) party today, I spent the majority of the time being angry. Angry at the lesser-than-expected turn-out, the cost and scarcity of the food, the unenthusiastic people. I was irrationally pissed off at anybody who didn’t recognize my costume as a bear. And mad at myself for being so stupid about the entire thing - I know that I’m not typically an angry person. I’m not supposed to be. It’s not a redeeming quality. I don’t like being lame.
It’s dumb because I know I’m wrong. I’m not stupid or alone, proof of which is in my passing grades and number of friends. How do I remind myself who I was? I’m stuck again.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:06 am
Well, actually yes.
College is, more than anything, a filter for tenacity. Many good things in life require endurance for ups and downs. Those who cannot handle the “downs” are filtered out at college.
By the way, good (or prestigious) colleges are filters mostly for raw IQ. A graduate from, say UCLA, will be smart and can finish a long-term project.
This filter is not perfect. In my experience, that statement for UCLA (or any good university in the US) is about 85% correct (and almost 95% correct for CalTech, that’s why their graduates are so much coveted by employers).
November 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
i’m sorry i didn’t notice the hood at all at first =(
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:32 am
Yeah.
Jenn, chill out!! Let yourself be tired, stressed, weak, lonely, sad, mad. You’re trying so hard to bulldoze through your obstacles, but you need to just let time pass. You’re so afraid of being lame that when you think you’re going to become lame, you become lamer and lamer (to yourself). Don’t! Stop it!
Throw yourself a pity party!