ugh

Parents brought back all my stuff from storage in Seattle, and I went through old pictures today (to discard some, reminisce over some). Just… wow. So many people, so many names and people in my memory. People I once interacted with daily, enjoyed, were friends on many levels, and now I absolutely don’t know who they are at all. I have so many shadow memories of these shadow people. And I have passing thoughts about where these people are now, who these people are now… and it’s just a hop skip and a jump from asking myself, who am I now? How would I define myself to those who I once knew a lifetime ago?

None of us are really all that different, probably. We are all meandering about, trying to find happiness in our own ways. Most of us living the working life with the dream of eventual retirement when we can go explore and experience the world and all it has to offer. Our methods may be slightly different, and our means and starting points and approaches. It’s so difficult to observe without judgement or coveting, especially with access to all these ports of social media and excess awareness. Was life easier in the old days with snail mail and phone books? Was there less pressure, or were people less prone to be pressured? The best we can do now, I guess, is accept ourselves wherever we are and do our best to not give in to that pressure.

I am just trying to the best person I can be, to “all parties involved” but if that means being subjected to this stress of receiving the wrong kind of unwanted attraction then I am sick of it and I have to make some changes and not be that person anymore. This is not what I want and please go away. I’m not sorry. This is for me.