A Considerable Speck
Robert Frost

A speck that would have been beneath my sight
On any but a paper sheet so white
Set off across what I had written there.
And I had idly poised my pen in air
To stop it with a period of ink
When something strange about it made me think.
This was no dust speck by my breathing blown,
But unmistakably a living mite
With inclinations it could call its own.
It paused as with suspicion of my pen,
And then came racing wildly on again
To where my manuscript was not yet dry;
Then paused again and either drank or smelt –
With loathing, for again it turned to fly.
Plainly with an intelligence I dealt.
It seemed too tiny to have room for feet,
Yet must have had a set of them complete
To express how much it didn’t want to die.
It ran with terror and with cunning crept.
It faltered; I could see it hesitate;
Then in the middle of the open sheet
Cower down in desperation to accept
Whatever I accorded it of fate.

I have none of the tenderer-than-thou
Collectivistic regimenting love
With which the modern world is being swept.
But this poor microscopic item now!
Since it was nothing I knew evil of
I let it lie there till I hope it slept.

I have a mind myself and recognize
Mind when I meet with it in any guise.
No one can know how glad I am to find
On any sheet the least display of mind.

So today I was in EE110L, and as I was calibrating my Lissajous plot with the function generator off (so all there was on the oscilloscope was a tiny dot that I needed to center) and then I make a reference to Frost’s A Considerable Speck and then I came home roughly four hours later and took a shower and then realized something!

I truly appreciate my teachers form ISB a lot more than those who taught me back at Lynbrook. I guess in a class size of about 600, it just didn’t seem necessary to get close to a teacher who I would never impress in room of 35 students. At ISB, there were never more than 20 students in a classroom, when a maximum of 50 students were taking each subject. I got to know my teachers, and they got to know me. It definitely was a different environment to go back and visit ISB after I graduated. When I visit Lynbrook, the only teacher I chat with is Mr. Kitchen, my Japanese teacher form sophomore year. And he probably doesn’t remember what I was like in his class. Likely, he knows me only from the things we talk about when I visit. At ISB, I definitely know that my chemistry and English teachers will remember me as the student I was, to which they’ll add on my post-high school self.

Maybe it was a product of the IB system where each IB class lasted two years. Having Mrs. Carlson and Mr. Beckstead really defined my view on English and chemistry now. If I hadn’t been exposed to their enthusiasm for their subjects for two years each, I wouldn’t have as much interest in the subjects today. And I definitely wouldn’t make the intelligent literary references I do now nor would I want to continue studying chemistry if it weren’t for those teachers.

I guess what I’m saying is that we’re all a product of our experiences and exposures. Maybe my private school experience gave me major advantages I just didn’t think about until today. Teacher-student relationships are such a big deal - I’m thankful to have experienced a glimpse of what all education should be like.

Deck is ALL FINISHED. Well, almost. I still have to decide what text to put underneath the joker, but I’ve sketched out some handwritten font for “54 cards designed by jennwang” and I think it’ll look nice I’m probably won’t be making any major changes, but if there’s something about the royalties in this image that really, really bothers you, I’ll still take it into consideration. I’ve done some research and will probably be printing my cards in China. It’s much cheaper than I had originally planned, so I’l be printing something like 150 decks, I think. Not completely sure yet. But this is exciting! (Also, I updated the photography section on Derek Powazek. It’s clean and simple, and definitely looks nice, but now that three people on my RSS feed use the same theme, I guess I’ve just lost appreciation for it. I’m glad that his design gained so much popularity, and I’m a big fan of minimalist design (Muji, Ikea, Apple…) but I don’t think it’s meant for the everyman. I guess I feel like the creative nature of minimalism is diminished once it becomes too readily available to the masses. If you’ve seen my room, I have organized (sometimes) clutter everywhere, and try to use layers and patterns often. Minimalism as a style is evolving to become the norm, and I don’t like that. Like, frosting is delicious as an accent, but definitely not as a main dish.

Classes this quarter have been so-so. My 107 (Modeling Dynamic Systems) professor is unclear during lecture as well as in his homework assignments, so it’s hard to follow his thought process and hence subject material. I like the labs though, because I’m really excited to learn how to use Matlab. 156A (Strengths of Structures) is only interesting to me because if it’s relations to materials science. 136 (Energy & Environment) is my favorite class so far because of the very apparent application. We spend half the class-time discussing various topics (so far, just global warming as a crisis or not) and the other half learning the “engineering” behind things like solar power and engines. It’s my second (and last) elective, and I’m glad I decided to take it. Lastly, EE100L just sucks. I barely understand simple circuits, and applying those concepts is… really difficult. I hope I can just get through it though… it’s the last EE class I’ll ever have to take!

My head hurts, maybe from typing in Dvorak on a Qwerty keyboard and having to re-orientate myself every time I accidentally look down. Speaking of Qwerty, my Dad gave me his old iPod Touch! What apps should I download?

There are things that happen, that call for a re-evaluation of who I am. I don’t often think I’m stupid, but it’s just one of those days where something goes wrong, and at the end of the day there really isn’t any other option. Right now I hate who I am and I would do anything to just… stop being me. It should be easy to do, but it’s not. In this day and age, humans should be allowed to hook ourselves up to a computer and just re-program our thought processes. If we think there’s something wrong, why not change it with the click of a button? It’d be so much easier. I wouldn’t have to spend days upon days experiencing emotional overdose. But instead, here I am.

There must have been a point in time when I strayed from the path of “right” and meandered my way onto the path of “not-right.” I’m tired of looking back on my past to try to find that moment. I’m tired. I’m so tired.

About two years ago, I started crying. Not to say I never cried before then, but there was a distinct happening that brought upon the crying. Since then, I started crying because of little things, big things, everything. Always in the safety of privacy, rarely in the presence of others… and much too often. I need to get a hold of myself. Somehow, I lost that important piece of self-control, and myself (and some others, I’m sure) would really like if it was once again in my possession. I need to find it.

I would like to be someone that is not stupid. I’m sick of making dumb mistakes and silly assumptions. I hate the word silly.

I am weak, but I would like to find strength. Please lend me your strength.
I am anxious, but I would like to be patient. Please teach me your patience.
I am naive, but I need to mature. Help me grow.
I am lost. For myself, by myself, I need to find my way.

I got my first A in an upper division MAE class! (Besides 182A, but that’s math, so it doesn’t really count, and it was an A-.) Yay for fluid mechanics!! Too bad I don’t have space in my schedule for more electives, because I would totally take more classes in the 150 series. (Actually, I could take the engineering science breadth, I guess…) As for the rest of my grades…they’re not out yet

In other news, I spent a few hours making a new index page so go admire the mouseover effects!

Winter break resolutions - I have three weeks to DO THESE THINGS. Plenty of time!

• Seriously, finalize the back of my deck.
• Send out holiday cards!
• Buy materials from OSH for my indoor garden, and possibly get started.
• Burn through multiple rolls of film with Wesley’s Pentax film camera!
• But first I need to buy batteries and film for it. And read the manual.
• Start on a new art project!
• Try to lose some tummy… :[
• Maybe some other things, too.

Time to GET TO IT!

I just recorded my dog snoring on my phone, haha. So cute

I remember back in the day when I used to blog a couple times a week, just to update cyberspace with the important happenings in my life. Things are so obviously different now - are my priorities different, or does nothing important happen? Let’s just say it’s a mixture of the two so I don’t have to let my thoughts linger on either one.

I think I mention this every couple months or so… but I’ll say it again since it crossed my mind recently. There’s a website called FutureMe.org that allows you to write an email to yourself that won’t be sent until the date you specify. I discovered the site in the middle of my freshman year, so to be cool, I waited a few weeks until leap day. On the rare 29th of February, I wrote myself an email in which, if I recal correctly, I described the person I was and my aspirations and goals. The last thing in the email was a list of names of people that I hoped I would keep in touch with by the time I recieved the email.

I’m one of those people that spends a lot of their spare time thinking. My mind wanders from old friends to new friends, how and why things change, mysterious futures, and how and where I think I’ll end up. I don’t often regret the things that have happened (as a direct or indirect result of my own actions) but there are a few distinct occasions that I’ll probably remember for a really, long time. I’ll remember them until long past after I receive that email in two years.

How did I decide what was important enough that I would want to ensure my memory of it in four years? I’m forgetful, indecisive, and extremely fickle even after a decision has been made. (I always wonder, are those the characteristics of most female teenagers?) I often find myself asking other people whether they really think they’re doing the right thing, where the “right” thing is the one that would give them the most happiness. I am totally aware that for many (like myself), it’s difficult to make a selfish decision. If a path taken leads to one’s own happiness but someone else’s suffering, is it still the correct one? I think in the end, despite the disparities in defining rightness or wrongness, it must be the most selfish decision that one sticks to. Others will/should adjust accordingly. If someone else’s happiness clashes with mine, well, I guess we just have to fight for it. In such a situation, avoidance means losing. If that’s your thing, then by all means, take the next exit to avoid the upcoming crash.

I’ve been involved in a handful of hypothetical accidents, and have done some swerving. I’d like to hope that the road I’m on continues to be as well-paved as it has been. Maybe it’s still under construction, but I haven’t come to that point yet. For now, I know where my next cue point is, and will be making my way towards it in the mean time.

-

Now that it’s the end of the quarter and all I have to do is study and review what I’ve learned, I’m definitely realizing how amazing my classes have been this quarter. Now that I’m deeply nested in upper division courses, everything applies and relates to each other. The importance of the subject material is obvious, which makes it easier to concentrate. My CAD class, although frustrating and time consuming, definitely taught me something worthwhile. I made a Ford Model T for my final project. Heat/mass transfer is so applicable to… everything… that it makes me proud of being an engineer. It’s awesome to realize how and why the physical changes to your environment are happening. And fluids, although slightly less applicable, are still fantastic.

I attended a seminar held by Eric King, who recently got his PhD from the Earth & Space department at UCLA. Our MAE department organized a series of seminars in the field of Fluids/Thermo this quarter, and I noticed a poster for this one and decided to go. I was lucky enough to chance upon one where the presenter explained things in a way that undergrads not well-versed in the field would still understand. He talked about the effect of rotation on the vertical convection of heat - ie, how heat from the rotating earth’s core reached the surface. He proposed a new method of differentiating weak and rigourous rotation, and how they affected convection. I’m glad to have gone - maybe in a few years I’ll find his name next to a correlation in a textbook.

Although I’ve only taken a few classes on the topics of heat transfer and fluid dynamics, I can pretty surely say that it’s the field I’ll be staying in. I definitely wouldn’t mind going on to graduate school to do research in the field, or something. Dynamics are definitely not my thing, and structures aren’t really more interesting than the next topic. So… we’ll see. Next step: finding an undergrad research opportunity.

I just saw pictures from when I replanted my moss and comparing what it looks like now…I can truly honestly say that I am a fail gardener. My moss (Theodore) is very nearly dead, and only barely retains his color. It is possibly due to the fact that nowhere in our apartment is there any direct sunlight. So sad. My poor Theodore.

In recent news,

• I am now 20 years old, the big two decades! I feel slightly intimidated by my own age, and can feel “maturity” creeping up on me. We went out to eat pho and then came back for Anastasia and lemon meringue pie… The weekend before my birthday, my parents came down to visit me and take me and a coupe friends out to dinner. We went to this hip and cool “California French” restaurant in Venice called Joe’s Restaurant. Pretty good, especially since I haven’t eaten out in awhile.
• I ACED MY 150A MIDTERM. I did really well, 93/100…and the average was 75. I’m really proud of myself and am going to totally ace the final, too! Fluid Mechanics is so interesting I’m going to start emailing professors starting winter quarter to try and do same research in the field. Hopefully the profs will see my enthusiasm and accept me. Oh yeah I also aced my CAD midterm, but that was a joke, so whatever.
• I got my sandstone coasters in the mail, which means that I can get started on my project. For those of you who don’t know already, I designed an indoor garden thing during my industrial design class at RISD a couple summers ago. Making a prototype of this thing will be the first step in the creation of a real portfolio, which may or may not take me to grad school in the field. It’s all a big “We’ll see” at the moment though.
• Yesterday was the BruinLife yearbook staff retreat. We went kayaking at Marina del Ray, then had a beach bonfire at Dockweiler beach. It was pretty chilly when the sun went down but the bonfire was fantastic and I had a lot of fun with the new interns Pictures on facebook!
• Today Layla and I went to Westwood to go shopping for shoes. I’ve been looking for a pair of booties to replace the ones I got last year (around this time) from Urban Outfitters…but alas, I didn’t find anything fantastic enough. But I did find a cute and inexpensive pair of heeled oxfords. They’re pretty comfortable, so maybe I can walk around campus feeling cool and north-campusy. I also almost bought a pair of dark blue pumps… but I didn’t. Maybe next time.

I just realized for the upteenth time that my new year’s resolution to create one work of art a month died out really quickly. Oh, the woes of a college student. BUT baking delicious cookies is a great way to make any dire situation turn into a better one! So here’s the best recipe for chocolate chip cookies ever. I wish I could include a picture, but we ate (almost) the entire batch already. We made them yesterday.

YOU NEED
• 1 cup butter, softened (important to not oversoften)
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 cup packed brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 teaspoons hot water
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips (the ones that are for melting have a better texture)

DIRECTIONS
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Cream together the butter, white sugar, and brown sugar until smooth.
3. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla.
4. Dissolve baking soda in hot water. Add to batter along with salt.
5. Stir in flour, chocolate chips, and nuts. Drop by smallish spoonfuls onto non-stick or slightly greased pans.
6. Bake for about 13 minutes in the preheated oven, or until edges are slightly browned.
7. Enjoyyyy! Because they are deeeeelicious!

喜歡的味道
不一樣了。

Also, I found Lifehouse - Broken on my iPod and really like it Apparently it’s one of the songs from the soundtrack of The Time Traveler’s Wife, which I never got around to seeing but still want to.

(In response to myself…)

I think it’s a problem of trust. I don’t trust that I’ll be successful in most of my endeavors, but I’m not willing to wait to prove myself wrong. I don’t trust my friends to support me through everything, so I disconnect myself to deal with problems myself.

Somehow, I lost my optimism, and I’ll I’m left with is a sour feeling of distrust in everything. Hence arises a new question…How do I regain lost confidence?

Is this what college is supposed to be? Something that tears you apart just as a test to see if you’re capable of putting yourself back together? In the last few weeks, I’ve gotten so so stressed out that it takes me more than an hour to fall asleep each night. I was recovering from a cold yesterday but now I’m worse. I sleep sporadically multiple times a day to avoid having to think about… anything. And while I wait for sleep to claim me, formulas and problems and questionable solutions run endlessly through my mind. I’m perpetually tired. It takes me about an hour to warm up to a social event, any less than that and I weigh the options of leaving/staying. Way too often, I apologize for things that I do not believe are my fault. I lie.

I want to complain about how nothing is working out for me. Yes, I have food and residence and intelligence, but I take those for granted. What I yearn for is happiness and contentedness, but right now I just don’t see it. I feel lonely and stupid. Both are irrational. Both consume me.

I’m having trouble remembering how to be happy. This is ridiculous because when I think about the best times in my life, I can see myself surrounded by people who love me, who I love. I see a moving image of myself laughing openly, confident. It used to be so easy to have fun - I was especially good at it.

At a (yearbook) party today, I spent the majority of the time being angry. Angry at the lesser-than-expected turn-out, the cost and scarcity of the food, the unenthusiastic people. I was irrationally pissed off at anybody who didn’t recognize my costume as a bear. And mad at myself for being so stupid about the entire thing - I know that I’m not typically an angry person. I’m not supposed to be. It’s not a redeeming quality. I don’t like being lame.

It’s dumb because I know I’m wrong. I’m not stupid or alone, proof of which is in my passing grades and number of friends. How do I remind myself who I was? I’m stuck again.

I wasn’t going to blog so soon after that last one, but today was an awesome lecture day, despite my first prof being annoyed that none of us were participating and my second prof being flustered about having her notes mixed up. It was awesome because the material that I’m learning in the two classes I had today (150A - Intermediate Fluid Dynamics and 105D - Transport Phenomena) matched up almost perfectly. In fact, I really turned to Yuko during 105D and said, “Mechanical engineering is awesome!” during class. So just to share my (almost sudden) amazing appreciation for the concentration, here are pages from my notes from today!

This is from 105D! We just started a new topic today, convection, and it’s really crazily similar to fluid dynamics. Because the way that convection (conduction + advection) works is through bulk motion, which is generally caused by the flow of some fluid or other mass.

This is from 150A! Actually these are my notes from last week, but today we just went into deriving formulas so there weren’t any cool diagrams. Look at the velocity profile in the middle! It’s exactly (almost) the same as the one from 105D! Also, check out that airfoil. It’s SO REAL.

In 150A today we basically derived the definition of viscosity (via the viscous stress tensor) and in 105D we’re doing other things like temperature/concentration gradients and stuff, but they’re both talking about the same thing. They’re both just solving the boundary layer conditions between the surface of an object and a free stream. I love how applicable these things are. It’s fantastic.

Okay, that’s all. I’m done nerding it up, now it’s time for my third nap of the day. (I am sick and I have a midterm on Wednesday. I’m cutting three classes tomorrow to sleep and study, woot.) Oh yeah and sorry that the photo quality sucks, but I was really excited to blog today, haha.